You Mean Business

I'm judging you.

If you’re like me, you’re a neurotic woman who spends several days before a job interview anxiously clicking through dozens of contradicting videos on Youtube about how to dress for a job interview. Look no further, for I will summarize it all for you here.

BUY A SUIT

She's doing it all wrong. WHERE ARE THE PINSTRIPES?

First, you will need to buy an expensive, black, pinstriped suit. Pinstripes trigger psychological impulses in your brain that make you more ambitious. Get that suit professionally tailored by a seamstress because you mean business. The suit should have a skirt because you’re a woman, unless you’re a woman who would prefer to wear pants. A dress would be even more formal, and therefore better, because it shows that your dressing for the job you want.

Wear a plain white button-up shirt underneath the suit, because anything else might be considered a brazen display of personality. And save the cleavage for the club, skankmuffin! When the interviewer is yawning under a flickering desk lamp of despair at two in the morning deciding whether or not to employ you, you want her to imagine you as a blurry, floating head and not the girl who wore a pink shirt. Remember, this isn’t Legally Blonde. This is your dismal life.

DON'T LET THIS BE YOU!

And whatever you do, don’t show up in nicer clothes than the person who is interviewing you. If you find that your interviewer enters the room a frumpy expensive suit, quickly saw a run in your pantyhose with a Swiss army knife and deposit your accessories into a nearby potted plant before she imagines that you think you’re better than her. Turn that ambition down a notch, tiger!

WEAR BORING SHOES

You should wear high heels – but not the same ones you wear to the Jersey Shore, silly! They should be plain, professional, black heels. You should definitely wear panty hose under those heels, but keep in mind that this will only impress old people. If your interviewer is under the age of thirty-two, she will cross you off of her list as soon as she sees your panty hose and begin composing a saccharine rejection email while you explain why you’re leaving your current position. And while you are sobbing next to the silent phone a week later, your interviewer will be at that the office making fun you with the free-legger she hired instead. They will all judge you.

ACCESSORIZE

Wear accessories! Show your personality! Woo! But keep in mind that your accessories will be judged mercilessly. Stick to chunky bracelets. No one is ever offended by chunky bracelets.

I hate chunky bracelets. I stopped listening to you fifteen minutes ago.

HATS

No.

LEAVE THE PURSE AT HOME

Remember, a purse is just one more thing that an interviewer can make subjective judgments about. Do you think you should bring the big ol’ hobo bag with your entire life in it? An interviewer might assume that you’re a kleptomaniac who casually shoplifted a purse full of bat-wing tops from the Forever 21 on your way to the office. Do you think you should carry in a little clutch containing your keys and cell phone? The interviewer will probably assume that you wore it to a high school dance and couldn’t be bothered to procure a purse that is appropriate for a job interview. How will you know if your purse is job interview-approved? Condoleeza Rice will come to you in a dream and deliver you a plate of homemade fudge. If this has never happened to you, you do not have the right purse.

But how do you carry your keys without a purse? Swallow them and regurgitate them after the interview. You know, like a fugitive! You can have the festering stomach lesions stitched up once you have a job with healthcare benefits.

HOW TO CARRY YOUR RESUME

Some people think they need a large purse to carry their resume. Instead, carry your resume in a briefcase. But keep in mind that a briefcase is just one more thing that an interviewer can make subjective judgments about. You can carry the resume in your hand.

IT’S RAINING

If it’s raining, don’t go to the interview. Rain makes interviewers irritable, so they probably won’t hire you unless they decide that you’re even more dedicated for coming in during a downpour. No, you can’t wear galoshes. Still carry your resume in your hand because if you really want that job, then the force of your tremendous will and ambition will be enough to keep it crisp and dry.

You're resume may be dry, but that's still a pink shirt.

YOU’RE SICK

Don’t go to a job interview sick. Coughing up blood will make your interviewers irritable, so they probably won’t hire you unless they decide that you’re even more dedicated for exposing the entire office to tuberculosis. You could cancel, but keep in mind that they probably won’t reschedule. You didn’t really want to write television advertising copy directed towards children anyways, did you?

We learned something important today.